July 3, 2009

I guess I must feel pretty good right now because I’m finding it very hard to write about being a dying man. That’s at least one of the reasons that I might be finding it hard to write about this whole thing. Each day I wake up and I take a few minutes to survey how I’m feeling. I’m a restless sleeper and have been most of my life so the fact that I’m tired is normal to me. Then I examine my inner nerves to see if any new pains are making themselves felt. I haven’t felt any new pains. My energy level always seems to be normal and my anxiety has not increased at all. So when I sit down at the end of the day to contemplate my faith I feel no real compulsion to write.

Second I don’t find the fact that I’m dying any different than it was before the doctor told me I was dying. I have always known that I was dying. I think from the moment we break through the curtain of birth we start a voyage toward death. Its true that death is as natural as life and that the fact of either isn’t important. What is important is what one does between the two.

When I was a young man I spent my time being angry and hurt. Somehow as I entered young adulthood I started learning that ones pursuits had a lot to do with outlook on life and slowly I began to change the way I saw life. First I learned that it is important to do what you love doing. In doing that everything that coming to you will come. Then I learned that one could control only ones self. That was a hard lesson to learn because I wasn’t the type to let things just go by me and I spent an enormous amount of wasted time trying to control those things that were uncontrollable. Once this lesson was learned my life took a decided turn to the better and the positive. I have spent the last part of my living a positive and happy life.

Probably that third reason that I’m not worried about dying is that I’m not very religious. I certainly don’t believe in any one religion. I find most of them instruments of raising fearfulness in their followers. So since I don’t really believe in any one religion I tend to take the parts from each that make me feel good. So you see that death raises no fear in me because I just reject the fearful side of all religions.

I’ll keep writing this dairy because I find that this period of my life is interesting and is something that might be interesting to others. So I don’t mind sharing. And who knows maybe some day this might make some sense.