May 22, 2009

Today is the day that will mark the rest of my life. I will finally make up my mind as to what course I will decide to follow. I have figured out several questions that I needed to get answered to help me make up my mind about what to do. When I woke up this morning this was my task for the day. My appointment with my Doctor was early so for the third day in a row we woke up early and were headed down the 10 freeways during rush hour. The Traffic was really fairly light because we were headed into a holiday weekend.

The doctor was going to tell us the results of the PET scan I had taken and then we were going to discuss course of my further treatment. This weighed heavy on both our minds as we drove down the freeway. Some how I was hoping for a miracle. In my mind I saw the doctor saying “Mr. Goose it was all a big mistake. The cancer is gone and you will be alright” Truthfully I knew that this wasn’t going to happen, and I really didn’t expect this to happen. Instead I expected her to tell me that things has progress and I needed treatment. And that’s what happened. I asked my questions and heard the answers and decided to go along with the treatment. We left the office with some hope but a lot of determination.

The drive home was pensive and after we got home we had a discussion about whether it is was better to know that you were going to die soon or to just die suddenly. This is a lot harder question to answer than you might think. Valid points could be made for either point of view. I personally thought that it was nicer to know when you were to die because that gave you time to help those that need help and say the things that one had to say to all who might care. It also gives all the loved ones a chance to know how you feel about dying. Maybe its because I know when I’m going to die that I feel this way. I need to let people know that I’m fine with dying and I’m at peace with my life as well as my death. I need to grant any request that I’m able to and help those through this period of loss.

The rest of the morning and afternoon we spent on the couch and in silent contemplation. Around three pm I looked over at Laurie and saw that she was in the middle of a major depression. I tried to get her to smile and relax and really couldn’t get through to her. I went up stairs and changed into sweats came down and told Laurie that we were going to celebrate our 23^rd anniversary of our first date.

Our first date was to dinner at Rubies on the Pier in New Port Beach. It’s been an annual migration for us each year. It was always a way to remind us how much we mean to each other. So we went on our date and during the duration of that date we some how became at ease with this whole process. By the time the date was over we could smile again and be with each other with out regret. I know that we will enjoy what is left of our life together and will not fill our last year or month or days with sorrow and blame. Our time together will be filled with joy as it always has been.