May 14

May 14, 2009

Today I was told that I had only 6 to 9 months to live. I pretended that that didn’t bother me because my wife of twenty years was sitting next to me in the Doctors office. She started crying and I had to comfort her. I love Laurie and wouldn’t want to hurt her for anything so it became my job to be strong and to make sure she felt some confidence that everything will turn out fine. They will whether or not I live past the time allotted to me by the doctor. I could tell that the doctor really didn’t want to tell me I was dieing and she had tears in her eyes also. I have to believe that she felt something toward me other than just being my doctor.

Among the news the doctor gave was the fact that there was no cure for what I had and the best I could hope for was that she was able to manage this thing that’s growing inside of me. I have to endure more applications of the harsh chemicals that I have already spent six months enduing (for all the good they did) and that these new chemicals would cause my hair to fall out and that I could look forward to be fatigued and nausia again. As she talked I really zoned out and to tell you the truth I’m not sure of everything she said or how I felt about the whole thing. I had to say that I would fight through it and I probably will after all I have lived a very good life and really wouldn’t want to see it end right now.

As for me I’m not sure how I feel right now about the whole thing. I’m sort of numb because I didn’t think I was dieing and I feel really good right now. I had thought that I beat the esophagus cancer and was on my way to living normal again. I don’t have resentment right at this minute and have chosen a late nighttime to start this book. Truth be told I’m not sure what I want this book to be other than just putting down my thoughts as I’m going through this section of my life.

Before we were givin the news of my demise we were headed up north so that my wife might participate in a state-consulting job she does. I was going to take pictures. I love to do that. The area above San Francisco is very picturesque and provides many opportunities for erstwhile photographers. We decided not to change those plans. While she is doing her consulting for the state I’ll go out with my camera, but I’m not sure I’ll take pictures. I’ll probably just sit by the ocean and think.

Once we were out of the doctors office and in our car, I had to decide how I was going to present this to my family. We talked it over and decided that we’d talk to them all personally and not over the phone. Those plans were changed from almost the moment we entered the car as my cell rang out my youngest sons ring. He wanted to know how things went at the doctors and I don’t lie to him. Then my younger brother called and I don’t lie to him. Then my sister called and I don’t lie to her. I asked each of them not to tell the rest of the family, as I wanted to let them know personally. I’m really lucky because I have good relations with all my siblings and relatives. I’d say I even have good relations with my ex wife and my wife’s ex husband.

As we started to drive a wall developed between my and my wife. Each of us became embroiled in our own thoughts and what the news meant to each of us. I started going over the things that I’d have to do before I could die with a clear conscience that I had left my loved ones with what was required of them to carry on with out me. My wife needs to know about our financial stuff and how to get my pension transferred in to her name. I need to find that out also. I need to make sure she knows all my passwords and how to access the finances.

Well I spent the entire ride going up thinking about the practical things in my life and not working on my emotions about this idea that I may be dieing with in the year. I guess I’ll have to spend some time working of these things also. I just have to figure out how I feel because right now to all seems surreal to me. After all it was just yesterday that I thought I was invulnerable and would live longer than my allotted time. I never thought my life would be cut short. I can see that I’m starting to ramble and not make much sense I’ll work some of this until tomorrow. After all this is a dairy.