The Cure

Aug 1,2009

It really strange to be told that you are dieing of cancer in 2009 because there is no cure for the cancer you have. Almost weekly you hear of people walking or running or doing any myriad of things to get money to help cure this disease. One often wonders where does all this money goes. Although cancer hasn’t always been the disease affecting to most people through out my life, it has always been up among the leaders. I do believe that almost every family can tell you of close relatives that have been stricken by it and died. Wouldn’t one think that this ailment would have gone the way of polio or small pox by this time?

Since I’m going to be the one dieing of the big C, I’ve spent some time wondering and thinking of the reason for this. I can come up with three logical reasons and no more. First, the people researching this group of disease have no idea what they are doing and are all incompetent (this I really don’t believe although probably many of the dabblers in cancer are). Second, the type of cure that will cure this disease is so cheap that the money will not fund the real research (I tend to think this way). Third that the companies that deal with cancer make too much money and they are vested in not curing this disease lest the cash cow will dry up (I believe there is LOT OF TRUTH IN THIS).

Try doing research on cancer money and where it goes and you actually find a confusing jumble of non-facts. There is really no place one can go just to find out where the money for a cure is being spent and on what. Often what you get is a bunch of web sites telling you to buy some miracle cure. The web sites come to you fast and furious but most of them make no sense or are so convoluted that you know the person who runs them are truly nuts. You can go to the individual cancer organizations but each of these have their own agenda and do not add to the general knowledge because they are only interested in their very narrow part of the disease. Its not to say the people whom run these organizations are not sincere and caring people. Trouble is they are only interested in a narrow part of a cancer cure and therefore they can’t see the forest of the trees. A cure will not come in my lifetime, but maybe this short writing will start things moving in the right direction.

July 3, 2009

I guess I must feel pretty good right now because I’m finding it very hard to write about being a dying man. That’s at least one of the reasons that I might be finding it hard to write about this whole thing. Each day I wake up and I take a few minutes to survey how I’m feeling. I’m a restless sleeper and have been most of my life so the fact that I’m tired is normal to me. Then I examine my inner nerves to see if any new pains are making themselves felt. I haven’t felt any new pains. My energy level always seems to be normal and my anxiety has not increased at all. So when I sit down at the end of the day to contemplate my faith I feel no real compulsion to write.

Second I don’t find the fact that I’m dying any different than it was before the doctor told me I was dying. I have always known that I was dying. I think from the moment we break through the curtain of birth we start a voyage toward death. Its true that death is as natural as life and that the fact of either isn’t important. What is important is what one does between the two.

When I was a young man I spent my time being angry and hurt. Somehow as I entered young adulthood I started learning that ones pursuits had a lot to do with outlook on life and slowly I began to change the way I saw life. First I learned that it is important to do what you love doing. In doing that everything that coming to you will come. Then I learned that one could control only ones self. That was a hard lesson to learn because I wasn’t the type to let things just go by me and I spent an enormous amount of wasted time trying to control those things that were uncontrollable. Once this lesson was learned my life took a decided turn to the better and the positive. I have spent the last part of my living a positive and happy life.

Probably that third reason that I’m not worried about dying is that I’m not very religious. I certainly don’t believe in any one religion. I find most of them instruments of raising fearfulness in their followers. So since I don’t really believe in any one religion I tend to take the parts from each that make me feel good. So you see that death raises no fear in me because I just reject the fearful side of all religions.

I’ll keep writing this dairy because I find that this period of my life is interesting and is something that might be interesting to others. So I don’t mind sharing. And who knows maybe some day this might make some sense.

June 10, 2009

It’s been a while since I wrote about the trial that’s upon me. This has been a period of laughter and lightness and I haven’t wanted to throw damp water on the good time I’ve been having by talking about this trial in my life. Its really easy to talk about ones death when you come to realize that everybody will have to face their death sometime during their life. Next week I will start Chemo again in an attempt to “manage” my disease. My Doctor tells me that I can manage it very well and I haven’t found a reason to dispute her words. I had asked for a delay in my treatment so that I may attend my grand children’s graduations.

The delay has given me an opportunity to come to grips with the situation and make some decisions about my attitude concerning treatment and the disease itself. I’ve decided that it really doesn’t matter. I feel good right now so I’ll just hang on that and enjoy my life as it comes to me. The one thing I’ve realized is that I’ve been able to accumulate good friends and close relationships among the people I know. My friends have found subtle ways to support me in this time of trial. I’ve really come to appreciate it. I want to spend as much time as I can with them before I’m unable to do that anymore.

We went to the San Diego Zoo this week and saw the new Elephant exhibit. I found it invigorating. I’ve always loved Zoos and I’m lucky enough to live close to one of the best in the world. The new elephant exhibit was especially nice when we visited it, the weather was cool and the animals were active. Observing them this day was especially nice. The summer tourist season hasn’t started yet and the schools are still in session so the Zoo was relatively empty. The Animals put on a great show for us and the walking was easy. I found a smile painted on my face and my camera was working overtime to capture all the good shots that presented themselves to me.

I left the zoo feeling very much alive and ready to face whatever was coming my way. Our world is teaming with life and I’ve been privileged to be part of the earth fauna. Whatever time I have left I will celebrate the life that is earth and the privileges we humans have to be part of this life on Earth.

May 31, 2009

May 31

Today I will broach the subject of letting people know that you’re going to die soon. I personally am at peace with my life and I realize that everybody dies sooner or later. So the fact that I know I’m going to die soon doesn’t really bother me. I still have to let those around me that the end for me will come soon. It wouldn’t be fair not to let those I love and care for know about my coming death. So one by one I’ve been informing them of what’s going on.

I feel bad for my wife, as she has to hear about my coming death over and over again. I think I’ve learned something about people in breaching this subject with them. They all take clues about how they should react according to the way they perceive the way I’m reacting to this crises. It’s always important that I feel strong before I tell people about my coming doom. Almost all of them start out in shock. I’m not sure if it’s shock about my coming death or the shock of seeing his or her mortality.

My oldest son came over with his children last Monday. They were off of school and he was off of work. I think they use that occasion to let the grandchildren know what was happening to me. Usually they run into this house and attack me with hugs and “did you knows” They came into the house and were quite silent and while they came up for their hugs it was in a tentative way. They were unusually quiet. We sat around the living room for a bit and I kept waiting for normal behavior out of them. Soon one of my grandsons reached for one of my guitars. His mother told him to not to play it (he always picks up my guitars and plays them and I like to hear him play the guitars) My wife said that it would be ok and that I had suggested that he get all of my guitars as he had requested when he was but a toddler. That seemed to break the mood and soon we were all laughing and talking together in our normal manner, as I prefer. Soon I suggested that we all go to dinner at a Pizza Parlor that had loads of games for the kids to play and we went out and had a ball.

My wife’s best friend and her husband were important people to let know how I was taking to whole thing. They are a wonderful couple and we’ve had a long history with them as our friends. My wife’s friend takes things really hard and I know that it would be a difficult time getting her to relax about this whole thing. We generally meet for dinner in a local Salad bar restaurant. This meeting was supposed to be rather short because they had other places to be that evening. So we met and got our food and sat down to eat. At first things were tense. Every time my coming death was mentioned our friend would grimace. I finally had broached this subject and tell them that I was fine talking about it and fine with my own mortality. Once we got over this the rest of the evening was fun. They never left for their other appointment and we stayed and talked until the restaurant was about to close. I want the end of my life filled with laughter and good cheer. I know that will hard for others, but I think it really up to me how people will react.

The hardest people to tell so far have been out travel agent. We were supposed to go on a long cruise in October. We were both looking forward to this trip. This illness will prevent us from going so we had to tell out travel agents to cancel this trip so that we might get back the money we’ve already put on this trip. It was very hard because our travel agents were also our friends and I felt that I was disappointing them. The canceling of this trip also is an acknowledgement that this is real. As hard as things were we persevered and did what we had to do.

I still have people to talk to about my coming demise. I have my teams, fishing buddies and other people who have become important to me. I still haven’t told one of my brothers and I really need to talk to this brother. I miss him and want him in my life toward the end.

May 26, 2009

It’s been a while since I’ve written in this little blog because I had to stop thinking about my end for at least a little bit. Actually I never think about the end of my life. Instead I think about how I’m living life. I really find that I don’t have to change much to go to the end. I’ve tried all my life to make my life count. I find that by living as if everyday was the most day of my life it makes me a much better person. At one time I was loud needlessly. I hurt people all the time though word and deed. If they took offence I would say well that’s their problem not mine.

One day I realized that people were seeing me much differently than I was seeing myself. Worse people really didn’t like me and worse of all it was my fault. I became determined to change things because I really saw myself as a good guy. My life was spinning out of control because I was trying to control uncontrollable things. I started Working hard to make others see the part of me that I was proud of. It took some time but through self-honesty and hard work I turned things around.

My brother gave me today’s question to answer, “What is My Legacy?” I’ve spent some time thinking about this and have come tot he conclusion that my legacy is to be an example self-honesty. I know that this really isn’t what my brother meant by legacy. To me it’s the true legacy that one can leave behind. We treat each other in a certain manner and that sends out waves that affect others. These waves yoyo through out all of humanity and that is ones real legacy.

With this in mind it is easy to feel at ease with ones mortality. When my grandchildren come over they have to see one who feel at peace with them. I know it will make any difficult time in their life easier to draw on the strength they see in my last days. This I hope will be my true legacy.

May 22, 2009

Today is the day that will mark the rest of my life. I will finally make up my mind as to what course I will decide to follow. I have figured out several questions that I needed to get answered to help me make up my mind about what to do. When I woke up this morning this was my task for the day. My appointment with my Doctor was early so for the third day in a row we woke up early and were headed down the 10 freeways during rush hour. The Traffic was really fairly light because we were headed into a holiday weekend.

The doctor was going to tell us the results of the PET scan I had taken and then we were going to discuss course of my further treatment. This weighed heavy on both our minds as we drove down the freeway. Some how I was hoping for a miracle. In my mind I saw the doctor saying “Mr. Goose it was all a big mistake. The cancer is gone and you will be alright” Truthfully I knew that this wasn’t going to happen, and I really didn’t expect this to happen. Instead I expected her to tell me that things has progress and I needed treatment. And that’s what happened. I asked my questions and heard the answers and decided to go along with the treatment. We left the office with some hope but a lot of determination.

The drive home was pensive and after we got home we had a discussion about whether it is was better to know that you were going to die soon or to just die suddenly. This is a lot harder question to answer than you might think. Valid points could be made for either point of view. I personally thought that it was nicer to know when you were to die because that gave you time to help those that need help and say the things that one had to say to all who might care. It also gives all the loved ones a chance to know how you feel about dying. Maybe its because I know when I’m going to die that I feel this way. I need to let people know that I’m fine with dying and I’m at peace with my life as well as my death. I need to grant any request that I’m able to and help those through this period of loss.

The rest of the morning and afternoon we spent on the couch and in silent contemplation. Around three pm I looked over at Laurie and saw that she was in the middle of a major depression. I tried to get her to smile and relax and really couldn’t get through to her. I went up stairs and changed into sweats came down and told Laurie that we were going to celebrate our 23^rd anniversary of our first date.

Our first date was to dinner at Rubies on the Pier in New Port Beach. It’s been an annual migration for us each year. It was always a way to remind us how much we mean to each other. So we went on our date and during the duration of that date we some how became at ease with this whole process. By the time the date was over we could smile again and be with each other with out regret. I know that we will enjoy what is left of our life together and will not fill our last year or month or days with sorrow and blame. Our time together will be filled with joy as it always has been.

May 19, 2009

Today’s task was to get a pet scan. We had to drive to USC in the morning during rush hour. LA freeways are very interesting during rush hour. The freeways can become parking lots at times and people have little patience because they have to get to work. The closer to work time the wilder the driving becomes. Since we’ve spent so much time on the freeway I’ve began to notice some things I haven’t noticed before. I’m not sure when it started to happen but there are many cars that have damage on their sides. I’m not really sure what that means but I think it means that people are becoming poor drivers in LA. That’s really too bad because people used to be very good drivers in this part of the work. I guess I could speculate about when these cars get their bangs. I would think its when people back into parking spaces instead of going forward into them. Think many of the banks come from cars hitting poles of some sort or another as they try to park or leave their parking spots. In any case we finally got to USC I took my PET scan and we had an unremarkable rest of the day.

On the 20^th, we had no appointments and spent a day just in each other’s company. I tried not to think about the upcoming doctors appointment and was mostly successful. I talked to my children and went for a drive in my car to get gas and buy a water bottle. As my wife and I talked we came up with several more questions for the Doctor. I decided that I really wanted to see my grandchildren graduate without the sickness associated with Chemo.

On the 21^st I went to my Photoshop class. Then, I got some files printed out and while I was waiting for the prints I went back to USC to get my blood draw. After that I got the prints and came home to await the big pronouncement on my health the next day. I had an opportunity to work on my mental well-being. Because while I didn’t fear the worse I really somewhere inside know that my days on earth would be counted as numbered by my doctor.

May 16, 2009

Today was an interesting day. My wife had to do her breast thing so I was on my own. We’re staying in Northern California so I had decided what I wanted to do while waiting for her to finish her job. There is a nice state park here in San Rafael called China Camp State Park. It over looks San Francisco bay and its been kept in a pretty natural condition. I decided to visit that park and take what pictures I could take. I needed to spend some time just sitting and thinking about what has happened to me this week.

Truth is I am a little depressed today and need to restore my mental strength. There are so many reasons I don’t want to die right now that I can’t begin to say what is most important to me to complete before I go. Sorry I can’t write anymore today.. I’ll complete these thoughts tomorrow.

May 15, 2009

Today is the second day my wife and I have had to live with the fact that I may not be here too much longer. I guess we made a silent agreement not to talk about it and just enjoy the day, because for the most part that is what we did. We stayed at Grover Beach last night and were awakened by the light of the sun coming through bathroom window. I saw an advertisement for a local restaurant that sounded fascinating to me and suggested that we go to breakfast there. This dinner was just off Highway 1 and after breakfast we looked at each other and decided to drive up One instead of 101 because it is such a picturesque drive and I wanted to take pictures and it’s a great picture-taking road.

Our trip was a ball and we constantly stopped to take pictures. The highlight of the trip was the stop to get pictures of the Elephant seals. The “seal beach” is close to Hearst Castle. It was cold and very hard to hold the camera steady. I used my longest focal length lens to take the pictures. They look really nice. I can’t wait to give them that Photo Shop treatment. Today is Friday and most people were working so the Highway was pretty empty and the drive was really pleasant. We took around 500 pictures during the drive and we still have more to go before we head home.

We ate a late lunch at a wonderful restaurant. It was perched right at the edge of a cliff over looking the Pacific Ocean. The food was good and we shared a plate of fish and chips. We really enjoyed the ambiance of that restaurant. Its funny how the news of ones demise makes everything around you just a little more special. I noticed every little detail of the scene before me and appreciated its beauty. We even had a discussion about the bird droppings that painted the cliffs

Once we were out of the Big Sir area our cell phones started working again and we got to thinking about weather or not we should call the rest of my siblings about the coming events in our life. Laurie insisted that my brother probably told the other siblings about the cancer because she felt he needed to vent himself. So I decided to call my youngest sister and talk to her about it. Sure enough, my brother told her of the trial I was about to face and it became important to me to comfort her. Truth is that I’m really not scared of death or do I think I’m going to die anytime soon so it was easy for my to comfort her. We ended the day by getting lost trying to find the Hotel that we had reservations and that was despite the fact that we had a GPS device. We did get to our Hotel and checked into a nice room and are planning to spend the next few days exploring this area.

May 14

May 14, 2009

Today I was told that I had only 6 to 9 months to live. I pretended that that didn’t bother me because my wife of twenty years was sitting next to me in the Doctors office. She started crying and I had to comfort her. I love Laurie and wouldn’t want to hurt her for anything so it became my job to be strong and to make sure she felt some confidence that everything will turn out fine. They will whether or not I live past the time allotted to me by the doctor. I could tell that the doctor really didn’t want to tell me I was dieing and she had tears in her eyes also. I have to believe that she felt something toward me other than just being my doctor.

Among the news the doctor gave was the fact that there was no cure for what I had and the best I could hope for was that she was able to manage this thing that’s growing inside of me. I have to endure more applications of the harsh chemicals that I have already spent six months enduing (for all the good they did) and that these new chemicals would cause my hair to fall out and that I could look forward to be fatigued and nausia again. As she talked I really zoned out and to tell you the truth I’m not sure of everything she said or how I felt about the whole thing. I had to say that I would fight through it and I probably will after all I have lived a very good life and really wouldn’t want to see it end right now.

As for me I’m not sure how I feel right now about the whole thing. I’m sort of numb because I didn’t think I was dieing and I feel really good right now. I had thought that I beat the esophagus cancer and was on my way to living normal again. I don’t have resentment right at this minute and have chosen a late nighttime to start this book. Truth be told I’m not sure what I want this book to be other than just putting down my thoughts as I’m going through this section of my life.

Before we were givin the news of my demise we were headed up north so that my wife might participate in a state-consulting job she does. I was going to take pictures. I love to do that. The area above San Francisco is very picturesque and provides many opportunities for erstwhile photographers. We decided not to change those plans. While she is doing her consulting for the state I’ll go out with my camera, but I’m not sure I’ll take pictures. I’ll probably just sit by the ocean and think.

Once we were out of the doctors office and in our car, I had to decide how I was going to present this to my family. We talked it over and decided that we’d talk to them all personally and not over the phone. Those plans were changed from almost the moment we entered the car as my cell rang out my youngest sons ring. He wanted to know how things went at the doctors and I don’t lie to him. Then my younger brother called and I don’t lie to him. Then my sister called and I don’t lie to her. I asked each of them not to tell the rest of the family, as I wanted to let them know personally. I’m really lucky because I have good relations with all my siblings and relatives. I’d say I even have good relations with my ex wife and my wife’s ex husband.

As we started to drive a wall developed between my and my wife. Each of us became embroiled in our own thoughts and what the news meant to each of us. I started going over the things that I’d have to do before I could die with a clear conscience that I had left my loved ones with what was required of them to carry on with out me. My wife needs to know about our financial stuff and how to get my pension transferred in to her name. I need to find that out also. I need to make sure she knows all my passwords and how to access the finances.

Well I spent the entire ride going up thinking about the practical things in my life and not working on my emotions about this idea that I may be dieing with in the year. I guess I’ll have to spend some time working of these things also. I just have to figure out how I feel because right now to all seems surreal to me. After all it was just yesterday that I thought I was invulnerable and would live longer than my allotted time. I never thought my life would be cut short. I can see that I’m starting to ramble and not make much sense I’ll work some of this until tomorrow. After all this is a dairy.